Friday, May 1, 2020

Friday's Headlines | Top 5 Unless Star Wars Toy Facts

Greetings,

We all love Star Wars from Television shows to the movies. We even love the toys but today we have the Top 5 Unless Star Wars Toy Facts. Here we go....

1) Rancor Keeper

Let's begin with one of the most absurd choices in Star Wars action figure history. The Rancor Keeper, whose name we know is Malakilli thanks to his figure, was actually offered back in the '80s in the Return of the Jedi line. This means that even in 1983, toymakers thought kids were genuinely looking forward to playingt with an obese, shirtless man whose sole scene in RotJ featured him weeping like a baby. Madness.

2) Jocasta Nu

Remember the bitchy Jedi librarian who basically called Obi-Wan a liberal communist in Attack of the Clones for daring to question the veracity of the Jedi library? Well, they made a figure of her. And here's what's crazy — even Hasbro thought a figure of this character was insane, but there was enough fan outcry(!) that they partnered with online retailer Brian's Toys to offer her. THE FANS DEMANDED A BTCHY LIBRARIAN ACTION FIGURE.

3) R5-D4

There's a bit of an online theory that states that R5-D4, a.k.a. the red droid from A New Hope that breaks down, forcing Luke and his uncle Owen to buy R2-D2 and thus setting the events of the original trilogy into motion, could be considered integral to the overthrow of the Empire. This is partially because in the Expanded Universe, supposedly R5-D4 somehow knew R2 needed to go with Luke, and purposefully malfunctioned in order to make sure R2 went with Luke and thus saved the day. None of this explains why Kenner or Hasbro sold a robot whose one action in the movie was blowing a gasket.

4) Yarna D'al' Gargan

If you want proof that most Star Wars toys are made for obsessive collectors and not actual kids, look no further than Yarna D'al' Gargan. This obese, six-breasted lady is supposedly a dancer in Jabba's palace in Return of the Jedi, although a careful examination of the one shot she's in implies that while she does dance in Jabba's palace, she's probably not officially employed to do so, because she is terrible at it. If you would like to ruin a child's birthday, just give this figure to him/her as a gift.

5) Elan Sleazebaggano

This is the dude who tried to sell Obi-Wan Kenobi some "death sticks" in the nightclub in Attack of the Clones. Ignoring the fact that naming drugs "death sticks" is completely counter-intuitive, and ignoring that fact that Elan has the stupidest name in the entire Star Wars universe (no mean feat), who on Earth wants a figure of a dude peddling black market cigarettes? Oh, insane toy collectors, that's right.